Modulating interpersonal intensity

In group last week (Dec. 6, 2012), we were wrapping up our discussion of the Interpersonal Effectiveness module. I left the group with the idea that there's a lot to be said about modulating intensity rather than being over-the-top assertive all the time. I have always felt that it's best to be only as assertive as you need to be - both from an effectiveness standpoint and a self-respect one. (Needless to say that the third of our 3 Interpersonal Effectiveness goals, relationship, will be best served by lower intensity.)

I recently ran across a very brief article about the effectiveness of being less assertive for New York cabbies. The nugget from this article (and I'd heard this before): cabbies got paid more by hinting at higher tips than demanding them.

Joshua Gross estimates, that this simple nudge has increased the income of taxi drivers by $144 million per year. Had the drivers demanded this increase via an increase in rates it probably never would have happened.

If it works in New York, it can work anywhere.

Group 06/24/2011

Today we continued our discussion of distress tolerance skills. We reviewed the importance of practice even when not distressed to be ready for the times that we are. We also talked about the ways in which we might not even realize that we are going through a crisis. One of my colleagues, Dr. Martha Golden, likes to start this module with a definition of "crisis" and I think that may be appropriate here as well.

A crisis is defined as:

specific, unexpected, and non-routine events or series of events that [create] high levels of uncertainty and threat or perceived threat

This does not mean that there will be a catastrophe as a result of the event; just that there is a perception that it might. We then moved into discussion of the new skill: accepting reality. We practiced several exercises from Distress Tolerance Handout 2 and each picked an activity to do for homework.

We then discussed the concept of "Half-Smiling" as a way to respond to emotional experiences on a physiological level allowing us to work on counteracting that strong, and often unaddressed, aspect of emotion. As before, we practiced half-smiling.

Both of these activities - observing your breath and half-smiling - are experiential interventions, meaning practicing them and tweaking your practice is essential to making them work. Next week, we'll be discussing more reality acceptance exercises and the concept of radical acceptance.

Group 05/27/2011

After going over the homework, we spent time discussing the importance of judgement in our lives. In light of the work we'll be doing on reducing judgement, it seemed important to make sure that we understood exactly what judgement does for us. Some of the relevant points that people made were:

• Judgement helps keep us safe
• Being judgmental allows us to make decisions more quickly
• Judgement can help us correct our behavior

We, of course, also discussed ways that being judgmental makes being mindful hard.

• Being judgmental makes us compare our current experience to past and/or imagined situations, moving us from being present in the moment to being elsewhere
• Being judgmental generates extra emotion; emotion that we probably don't need help creating
• Being judgmental also makes us focus on details to the exclusion of the bigger picture, again making it hard to see the whole situation as it is

Tying the non-judgmental stance work we're doing to the next module to be covered in group, Distress Tolerance, homework was to answer two questions:

1. How does being judgmental create distress?
2. How does being unmindful create distress?

Next week: beginning Distress Tolerance module.

Group 05/20/2011

In today's group, we reviewed making wise mind choices and discussed all the factors involved in making a wise mind choice. As we discussed last week, it's important to consider all the facts of a situation, how you feel about it and what your body tells you about it. There were a couple other key points addressed in the homework review: make sure you address both sides of the question and a wise mind choice does not need to be permanent. That is, you can decide to decide later.

The new material consisted of an overview of the Mindfulness "What" skills:

• Observe: Just notice using your senses, without words
• Describe: Just the facts. Only observable information should be described. No interpretations, assumptions or judgements.
• Participate: Just do it. Within the Participate skills, we broke it down to 6 levels of participation:
  1. Wake up
  2. Get up
  3. Show up
  4. Act as if you care
  5. Wholeheartedly
  6. Flow

Homework: choose one of the "what" skills and practice it.

Group 05/13/2011

Today in group we discussed the core mindfulness skills. We went over the pros and cons of each state of mind - Reason mind, Emotion mind, Body mind - and how they can be used to help make Wise Mind choices. The premise is simple: make sure you're attending to each of these states of mind, stop, synthesize and make a choice that balances each of these factors as appropriate to the situation. During the discussion of Wise Mind, we reviewed times each of us has been in a wise mind place and how it physically feels to be make a wise mind decision. For many people, wise mind lives in your diaphragm. It "feels right" in your body, particularly settled, in that place.

Homework: Making a wise mind choice. (Homework handouts)